It takes the courage of a warrior to go into that pain, see the lessons in it, and walk through the other side stronger and fearless of the future. That is your job as a seeker, you know. If you want to know God, then you will have to be willing to allow grief and despair course through you until their energetic stranglehold has been released. Most of my students are no strangers to despair. Some know it all too well and had become users of antidepressant medications in order to keep the wolf at bay. Other students of mine repressed their grief early on and became tough on the outside so that no one would see their pain, even to the point where even they couldn't see it clearly anymore. And then there are other students who learned to paste a smile on their faces for themselves and the world and have done their best to deny the reality of their sadness by affirming that things will surely get better, yet they never actually do.
Do these different types of students have anything in common? Of course! They're all the same, really. They have all learned to take on certain behaviors in response to the pain in their lives. By now, you probably are aware of the main roles that get played by the personality. There's the victim ("poor me" - those who end up getting stuck in depression), the perpetrator ("poor me, so screw you" - those who put on a harsh front for the world) and the savior ("Poor you. Don't worry, it will all be just fine" - those who pretend to be happy). And what do each of these have in common? The base role for each is the same: the victim. Perpetrator and savior roles come out of the victim as the victim swings out of the lower states of mind. The perpetrator is very self-righteous and will stay in negative states of mind from that space, while the savior will swing into positive states of mind in order to feel better about a situation. But, they're all victims at the core.
The entire collective of humanity is experiencing this. On a grander scale, we can see whole societies playing the role of victim (Israel), perpetrator (Iraq) and savior (United States). Of course, perspective plays a large role, doesn't it? For those in the west, maybe this list looks accurate, but for those in the middle east, I'm sure the collective does not experience the US as a savior, for instance. But, you get my point. The roles are always played out in some fashion, from the individual, through increasingly larger collectives until you reach the macrocosm (such as the sun as savior, sometimes perpetrator, and the Earth as savior and sometimes victim).
But, what is the despair actually based in? Have you thought to really look at it yet? You've spent so much time running from your own pain that it never occurred to you to turn around and face it head on. If you did, would you find the pain you fear? Maybe...but not for long. You see, the pain you felt then may have been real enough in the moment, but it's only real and scary to you now because you continue to hold the story of it in place, and the energy of pain is trapped within you. The pain is still personal, but it doesn't need to be. The suffering experienced as a child resulted in the psyche taking on defense mechanisms which served a purpose for the child at the time, but those attitudes and behaviors that were taken on don't need to define you as an adult. In fact, they will only continue to hurt you as an adult if your desire is to live a life of love and joy.
This is where the spiritual warrior really shows his strength. You see, it is difficult enough to face the fears and the projected pain necessary to see through the illusion of separation, and only a handful of seekers out of a hundred will be willing to dive that deep. Out of that handful, there may only be one who can take it to the next level, where the personal becomes impersonal and the story no longer holds an emotional charge at all...even stories that are currently running. There is a level of detachment that the adept lives in which must be reached in order to transcend the life/death cycle. This is not psychological disassociation, although to the world, it can look like it. The adept no longer identifies with the personal stories of the world, meaning that there is no attachment to the personal story of "me" anymore and he/she doesn't get pulled into others' "me" stories, either. The adept lives a life where she can witness despair in the world, feel compassion for those in despair, yet experience no sense of despair herself. She is the objective observer of her own world, and not the "do-er" in it.
Become more conscious of the stories of despair around you now, in your own life and in the collective. If they are your own, jump back into them and ask the Holy Spirit to lift you in Grace and allow you to finally see the lesson in your pain. Look at the pain in the world and view it through objective eyes, not by taking sides and adding energy to the polarization. I will remind you that all beings on the planet are God at their source, just like you. Although people may be unconscious to their divine nature, God has not left anyone and never could.
Don't despair. You are beginningless, endless, formless, single, being, knowledge, bliss. You are life, itself! How can there be any despair in that?